silent september

i’m taking a vow of silence for the month of september; here’s where i’ll continue to update and write about the experience

it’s august 16th.

that gives me about two weeks to prepare for my silence, and to fit in some practice days for the long, challenging stretch that i believe a month without speaking will be.

i’ve been thinking of entering a period of silence for a long time, years if i’m honest with myself.
But I think my imposter syndrome often stops me from doing things—i couldn’t tell you why, when i type it i can see how irrational it sounds.
But I feel like i’m not a “real enough” or “good enough” buddhist to talk about my practice and take it seriously, and i feel i’m not autistic enough to demand that people take my silence seriously, and frankly, i just outright struggle to do anything that someone else may interpret as impolite.
but i want to challenge myself. i want to learn, and practice being a better listener. i want to challenge myself to pay attention to all the ways to communicate that aren’t speech.

this is a personal experiment

speaking has never been pleasant for me. (which is hilarious if you know how much i fucking talk irl)
The reason for this is that i love to communicate but i hate to speak with my voice. My voice and my ears have never worked at the ideal capacity and it makes speaking always uncomfortable, often painful, and sometimes impossible. So in a small way, part of my curiosity before practicing silence is, how will it feel? will i be desperate to speak again? or will i find it difficult?

this is a learning opportunity

There is so much i feel i miss on a daily basis because i’m running all the brain systems that allow me to mask my autism and communicate. But what if i didn’t? what if i just listened? what would i hear, and notice, and remember?
i also will be using this as a chance to practice more of my sign language.

listening is an essential skill

I have become a bad listener. It’s so hard for me to figure out what to say, and to read peoples lips and context clues so i even know what they’re saying, that i rarely get to absorb other peoples wisdom and beauty and humor.
i want a chance to let the wisdom of my friends and neighbors sit with me, time to be inside my mind just ambling, not frantically using my brain power to figure out how to conversate.

i’m learning to accomodate myself more often

which means that just because i can do something doesn’t mean i should.
If i can speak to you, but it costs me theee days of fatigue, or my mood, or my mental wellness—than i cannot in fact speak to you, because i am paying a cost that i cannot afford.