don’t step on the lava!

being genderqueer and fluid while transitioning in a binary system is a little like playing don’t step on the lava.

i’ve been transitioning for almost five years. for me, it was a slow process.

i’m from texas where we not only lack access to gender affirming care, but also to gender affirming language, or community. i didn’t know there was something other than boy/girl until i was in my mid twenties.
(despite never feeling comfortable with the boy or girl label and always feeling like the “other”)

and so after my messy separation and divorce, i downloaded tiktok and learned some (honestly too much) stuff. like that i’m autistic and adhd.

and also what non-binary means.

and deconstructing the gender binary by no means stopped when i picked up that label. i thought it did! but i was wrong! it’s a process that continues for as long as a society wide standardized gender binary exists.

so finding out and becoming the genderqueer trans man that i am has been no easy process. you might think, like me, that the hardest parts were getting access to my top surgery (which is finally scheduled! i’m so excited! just five more months and no more tits) or my testosterone shots.

but the hardest part for me has actually been untangling my internalized transphobia and misogyny towards myself.
and letting go of the feeling that by accepting my masculinity that im abandoning femininity or my gender fluidity.

everyone who knows me knows i love girly shit—lilac is one of my favorite colors and so is pink. i wear short athletic skorts all summer long. i love acrylic nails and jewelry and fashion. and there’s a part of my brain that feels really strongly that by transitioning i’ll ruin all of that. that by transitioning i’ll never be allowed to be “one of the girls” again because then i’m not being trans enough or man enough. that by transitioning i’ll lose my Beauty which is the only social capital i have ever had.

and how silly, that i’m afraid of being myself because maybe society will deem me Ugly.

and so now i’m looking down and realizing that i’ve been standing in the lava, fallen into binary thinking without even realizing it was burning me. and i’m finding that if i don’t check myself regularly and ask myself, “but why do i feel that way?/ think that thing?” that i’ll find myself standing in the lava again.

and the thing is, a lot of people think your thoughts aren’t that serious and that oppressive systems like the gender binary can’t really hurt you inside your own brain. but i’ve lost months of testosterone shots because every time i thought “i should pick those up” my internalized transphobia whispered “it’s not that serious, it doesn’t matter to you that much, all this transition nonsense, are you really even sure about this?”

ofcourse i’m sure! i’m not speaking to my entire family over this. i moved across the country away from my home for this. i stick needles in myself for this. i’m undergoing major surgery for this.
it’s not a whim i’ve taken lightly. but a human brain is a tricky thing and can be rewired in all sorts of ways. all you have to do is think thoughts over and over and you’ve just wired a new neural pathway. i don’t want my brain wired into believing i have to be a sexy woman to have value or be loved. that is fucked.

i can be an ugly trans man. that is not the world’s worst sentence. and i have to remind myself of that, or i’ll be back into that lava—being burned by a binary that wants me to have kids and serve men. which is one of the world’s worst sentences. (and by sentence i mean as in prison, not as in grammar.)

don’t step in the lava kids, and always remember it’s okay to be ugly.