the loves of my life

The first love of my life was a familial love, my youngest brother. The moment he was put into my arms and I looked into those blue eyes, my whole heart swelled with love for that little bundle. I was ten years old. My mother had a home birth with a midwife and a doula. I was in the room when they were born. I was one of the first people to hold them, the first person to dress them. And for the rest of my childhood, the bond I had with not only him, but all of my siblings, were the strongest and most important things in my life. And while I loved my other brother and sister very deeply, our relationships were more sibling in nature. My relationship to my youngest sibling was more nurturing, more parent like. As the oldest sibling I gave so them so much of the care they needed in early childhood. And even though that was still a maladaptive and unhealthy type of relating for children to need to do with one another when their parents can’t show up for them, it still was a precious relationship to me, one that taught me what unconditional love means, what it looks like, and what it costs. I miss my little brother every day of my life. He will always truly be the first love that captured my heart.

The second significant love of my life was platonic. She was named after a month, and I thought she was the most precocious and strong person I’d ever met. I loved her spirit, her resilience, and her fight. Before her, I never fought my abusers.